Recent Stories

The Wrong Way to Get a Girl’s Affection
2015
APR
26

The Wrong Way to Get a Girl’s Affection

Filed Under : Childhood Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
One of my closest friends in 3rd grade became my hero for many years. I looked up to him, and he was the shining example of how to be a cool person. Even when we did nerdy things, like programming videogames, or playing D&D (he was also our Dungeon Master), he was cool and genuine and just a kind-hearted badass. I'll refer to him as Keith for these stories, ...
Reptilian Testicle Syndrome
2015
APR
25

Reptilian Testicle Syndrome NSFW

Filed Under : Filthy Stories, Funny Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 6 minutes
I've been pretty vocal across various performance outlets (internet TV shows, podcasts, stand-up comedy performances, other blog entries, tweets) about my pubic grooming habits. Some might even say that I'm an advocate for pubic grooming, since I've discussed it at quite some length, and I regularly recommend it to my male and female (though mostly male) friends alike. Though I used to shave my arms and legs in high school to ...
Meeting Mike Patton (Part 2)
2015
APR
24

Meeting Mike Patton (Part 2)

Filed Under : Celebrity Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 9 minutes
(if you missed Part 1, you're gonna be confused) In December of 2001, Cheyenne and I traveled north to San Francisco to catch the final 2 shows of the Tomahawk tour . We stayed with a friend of a friend of one of my co-workers (long story, not worth telling) so shit was chill. And shit was freezing g'damn cold. But, damnit, we were in ...
Meeting Mike Patton (Part 1)
2015
APR
23

Meeting Mike Patton (Part 1)

Filed Under : Celebrity Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 3 minutes
Since Faith No More is in town for 3 nights, and I just got back from the 1st of their 3 shows (and have passes for seeing them again tomorrow, April 23rd), this is a good time to tell my Mike Patton stories. Mike Patton, if you don't know, is the lead singer of Faith No More. Before that, he was the lead singer of Mr. Bungle, and he's been so prolific that ...
The Rise and Fall of The Bus (Part 2)
2015
APR
21

The Rise and Fall of The Bus (Part 2)

Filed Under : Happy Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 5 minutes
(if you missed Part 1, you're gonna be confused) Throughout the remaining month or so of summer, I got pretty good at driving The Bus and acclimating to its various quirks. Chuck (my stepdad) gave me a book provided by Darryl called "The Complete Idiots Guide to Volkswagen Bus Maintenance and Repair". He told me any issue I'd have with The ...
The Rise and Fall of The Bus (Part 1)
2015
APR
20

The Rise and Fall of The Bus (Part 1)

Filed Under : Happy Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 5 minutes
At the start of my Sophomore year of high school, I was 15 and had my Driver's Permit. As I was turning 16 in a few months, my mom knew I was going to start asking about some kind of car-for-myself situation. My sister's history of vehicles prior to that included things like her friend's beat-ass car that she bought for $300 that didn't have a key but a ...
I Was in The Girl Scouts
2015
APR
18

I Was in The Girl Scouts

Filed Under : Childhood Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 3 minutes
My sister is three years older than me. Much to her chagrin while growing up, she didn't have any sisters. But, she had a younger brother who looked up to her that she could torment, and a father who wanted his son to be a masculine man of sports and manly shit. Being the deviant genius she was, she used all these elements to have fun in her own ...
Snubbed at the Spelling Bee
2015
APR
17

Snubbed at the Spelling Bee

Filed Under : General Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 6 minutes
Since I've already posted one harrowing story from the 8th grade, I figured I'd follow up with another. This one is way less intense and depressing, but it's a point of frustration and contention with me. I get that I don't "look smart" (whatever the fuck that means, but it's been said many times), and I don't necessarily blame people for thinking I'm ...