Recent Stories

Another House Party Gone Wrong
2015
JUL
30

Another House Party Gone Wrong

Filed Under : Drug Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 8 minutes
I'm not going to pretend I'm a party animal, but I do love a good party and I've been to a lot of them in my time. It surprises me that, despite some of the craziest shit I've seen at parties, and the sheer number of private (and public, I guess) events that I've been to in my life that could reasonably be called a party, only two that I can ...
A House Party Gone Wrong
2015
JUL
30

A House Party Gone Wrong

Filed Under : Drug Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 6 minutes
I've long thought that anti-drug speeches, "abstinence-only" sex education, and all such "keep teenagers from doing teenager things" education is way too constrained and inside-the-box. They need to shift paradigms if they're really interested in getting teens onto the path of the straight and narrow. Instead of telling kids to abstain from sex -- send a 15-year-old kid on a date with a washed-up streetwalker at the end of her shift. ...
My Last Girlfriend (Part 4)
2015
JUL
20

My Last Girlfriend (Part 4)

Filed Under : Dating Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 11 minutes
(if you missed Part 1, Part 2, and/or Part 3, you're gonna be confused) I'm not proud of my behavior the night she came home. I'm completely ashamed. I heard her car pull into the outdoor parking garage beneath our apartment. I turned off all the lights, and unplugged the lamp that was normally connected to the switch near the door in the living room. Ditto the one in ...
My Last Girlfriend (Part 3)
2015
JUL
19

My Last Girlfriend (Part 3)

Filed Under : Dating Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 7 minutes
(if you missed Part 1, and/or Part 2, you might be confused) Around mid-2007, Melissa found a job at a goth clothing store near my apartment. She reasoned that, since she spent so much time around my neighborhood anyway, it would be best to just find a job around there. Most nights, after work, she'd hit me up and see if I wanted to hang out. Most nights, ...
My Last Girlfriend (Part 2)
2015
JUL
19

My Last Girlfriend (Part 2) NSFW

Filed Under : Dating Stories, Filthy Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 6 minutes
(if you missed Part 1, you might be lost) We were immediately close, in a way that doesn't make a lot of sense to me these days. I'm not saying it was a bad thing, at all. Just weird to think back to that time, and remember how I felt, and how foreign that seems to me today. I probably prevent myself from feeling that way, but I also think it comes down ...
My Last Girlfriend (Part 1)
2015
JUL
19

My Last Girlfriend (Part 1)

Filed Under : Dating Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 5 minutes
Checking through my archive of photos, I found one from the night of the first date I went on after my last breakup, and the timestamp says "May 10, 2009". I realize it sounds a little weird that I've been single for over 6 years now. Hell, I've been on dates with women who were still in middle school the last time I was in a relationship. That said : 6 years ...
Taking A Break
2015
JUN
22

Taking A Break

Filed Under : Updates  |  Est. Reading Time : Less than a minute
I have to take a little break from this insane project for a little bit. Probably only a week. I'm slammed with a lot of work, comedy, and I need a little more social life in me. I've managed to pump out 112 of these bitches nonstop thus far, but it's getting tough to either write enough to pad out a few days in advance or make the time every ...
The Day My Dad Became Human
2015
JUN
21

The Day My Dad Became Human

Filed Under : Happy Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 8 minutes
I'll never forget the night of January 2nd, 2000. I was living in Seattle, holed up in my shitty attic room, while rain smacked against the small, rickety old window in my room. I was feeling lonely, and depressed. My father called me to check in on my New Year, and see how things were going with me in Seattle. Since around the time I first moved out on my ...
I Was on The Bad Girls Club (Part 2)
2015
JUN
20

I Was on The Bad Girls Club (Part 2)

Filed Under : Celebrity Stories, Dating Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 7 minutes
(if you missed Part 1, you're gonna be confused) What I try to tell people who don't know what the Bad Girls Club is about is this : imagine if you could borrow Paris Hilton's undeserved fame, her inherited money, and her self-aggrandizing behavior and could temporarily bestow that equally to 7 angry, attention-starved socialite 20-something girls, and then you threw them into a rent-free mansion, supplied them more alcohol ...
I Was on The Bad Girls Club (Part 1)
2015
JUN
19

I Was on The Bad Girls Club (Part 1)

Filed Under : Celebrity Stories, Dating Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 8 minutes
Yes, it's true. I was on the Bad Girls Club, Season 3. That's the one with "the Ambers", and Ailea. Technically, I'm not sure I'm allowed to talk about any of this, but the producers said that only applied for about 6 months after the episode aired. Seeing as it's been almost 7 years since it aired, I think I'm okay. Here's the inside scoop on how it happened, what went down, and ...