Story Archives

All stories (and updates) written since March 1, 2015.

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My Afternoon in College
2015
JUN
11

My Afternoon in College

Filed Under : General Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 6 minutes
I've always been amused with the phrase "giving it the ol' college try". I don't even really know what it means, or if a "college try" is an actual thing. I've always taken it to mean "try your best and don't worry too much", but I'm probably wrong. If it's specific to the person, as in "treat this as you did with your days in college", then anyone giving me that ...
Videogames As Sport
2015
JUN
10

Videogames As Sport

Filed Under : General Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 9 minutes
I played a lot of videogames growing up, across many systems. My first system was the Commodore 64, onto which I actually programmed some of my own videogames. There were a few games on there that I thought I was really good at, based on playing friends of mine. But we had a paper boy who also had the same games on his Commodore 64 and he whooped my ass ...
Doris Mouse Earrings (Part 1)
2015
JUN
8

Doris Mouse Earrings (Part 1)

Filed Under : Serial Stories, Weird Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 7 minutes
In Mid-2007, things were winding down for Aural Salvation, I wasn't doing much comedy (hell, I performed maybe once a year from 2003-2008), and I was gettin' the old acting bug. When you're non-union, have no agent, and you're unsure if you actually can act, your source for acting gigs is Craigslist. This means it's a crap-shoot. Sure, student films are fine, but sometimes you end up making weird movies ...
Triple Sex on Triple Six
2015
JUN
7

Triple Sex on Triple Six NSFW

Filed Under : Filthy Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 5 minutes
I'll never forget 6/6/6 -- June 6, 2006. Not only is that one of my favorite numbers, but I feel like I rang that shit in properly. I was still doing my show Aural Salvation, I was at a fetish club called HEX, and I was hanging out with a group of circus-act freaks (who were also semi-regular guests of my show) that were doing their brand of ...
The Best Dog Ever
2015
JUN
6

The Best Dog Ever

Filed Under : Childhood Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 8 minutes
Toby is a sacred word in my family. The mere mention of Toby around me, my sister, my father, or my late mother means getting an hour's worth of stories without prompt. Toby was more than just our dog. Toby was our security detail, our nanny, our unspecified family member, and a representation of all that was good in our family. ...
Weed, Man
2015
JUN
5

Weed, Man

Filed Under : Funny Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 6 minutes
I've made reference in the past to the first time I smoked weed, but I didn't go into detail -- nor did I talk about the first time I actually got high. If you've (for some strange reason) never done drugs, this might seem strange to you that they're two separate events. Over the course of many crazy late nights partying on the Denny's lawn, I came to know ...
A Weird Impromptu Date and An Unsolved Mystery
2015
JUN
4

A Weird Impromptu Date and An Unsolved Mystery NSFW

Filed Under : Filthy Stories, Weird Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 9 minutes
It was the night before MLK day, 2005. I remember that, not because I've got such an enriched soul that I track memorial days of fallen human rights activists, but because I didn't have to work the next day - a Monday. I was in Long Beach, visiting some friends of mine (probably having a barbecue party or something). Around 9pm, that shindig was winding down, so I decided ...
Marilyn Manson Macarena
2015
JUN
3

Marilyn Manson Macarena

Filed Under : Funny Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 6 minutes
If you were a dark and brooding teenager in the mid-late 90s, you were riding a pretty sweet wave when it came to music. The king, almost the PT Barnum if you will, was Trent Reznor. There were several great Nine Inch Nails (NIN) records : Pretty Hate Machine, Broken , and a tour and duet with David Bowie.  If that wasn't enough, Reznor had his own label -- Nothing Records -- ...
Spending a Year in a Communist Compound (Part 4)
2015
JUN
2

Spending a Year in a Communist Compound (Part 4)

Filed Under : Serial Stories, Weird Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 8 minutes
(if you missed Part 1, Part 2, and/or Part 3, you're gonna be confused) It's difficult to summarize an entire year of one's life into little 5-7 minute pieces, but there's a lot to cover. There's also a lot of shorter stories in between, which I'll definitely end up telling separately. This series of posts is more of an overview. Or, perhaps, the bloodstream of the body ...
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