My 2016 Predictions Reviewed

Filed under : Updates

Est. Reading Time 10 minutes

I did this last year, because I’m fully okay with showing how wrong I can be (and, mostly, because it’s a fucking hoot), so I’m doing it again this year.

I’m going to review my predictions from last year, rate them by accuracy (aside from obvious joke predictions), and you can find my 2017 predictions by looking out for #mitczpredicts2017 on Twitter or just by just clicking here (if you’re reading this before Dec 31, 2016 then you won’t see anything yet).

2016 was a fucking shit year, and a failure on many levels. My predictions were likely also epic fucking failures.

So then, onto the #mitczpredicts2016 tweets

STATUS : FAILURE

This was an epic failure. I can try and take solace in that almost everyone (including the drumpster fire himself, if reports are to be believed) also predicted this wrongly up until – and including – the day of the election, but… this was just bad. I still can’t believe it, and I firmly believe his nomination will be something we study for years to come, and future generations will say “WHAT IN THE FUCK?!?” and anyone who voted for him will act the way anyone who threw rocks at the “negroes integrating white schools” did back in the 60s : they’ll just pretend they weren’t there, didn’t vote, and avoid any questions about their own thoughts on the matter.

Seriously, though : you’ve likely met many people who were around during the civil rights era, but somehow not a single fucking one says “yeah, I used to think they should use a different water fountain” (your experiences may vary, but I’ve literally never met a single one in my 38+ years on this planet). That was the prevailing white-person wisdom at the time, yet… fucking NO ONE will admit they used to think that (except for the Klan who still thinks that). This isn’t a 2017 prediction, it’s a long-term prediction that will come true in my lifetime : almost everyone will pretend they never supported him in the first place.

STATUS : FAILURE

I’m glad I was wrong about this one. I didn’t expect Rogue One to be any good at all, but was fucking amazing. That said, I also didn’t expect Ep VII (The Force Awakens) to be any good at all, either. I was wrong about both, and I’m fucking happy about it.

STATUS : SUCCESS

This was an easy one. OF FUCKING COURSE we’d talk about that, a lot. That said – I needed a win, goddamnit. So I’m counting it.

STATUS : FAILURE

Okay, fine. So I didn’t try to go veggie “just to see what happens”. Sue me.

STATUS : FAILURE

It’s funny to me that this isn’t a “thing” anymore. And I live in the fucking land of where this is a “thing”. Apparently we were all too busy worrying about the non-issues of Hillary’s non-scandals.

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

I can’t determine whether you’ve ready any articles at all about anything this year. But, there were definitely articles continuing to speculate about an Apple Car. And, as predicted, Apple said fuck-all about it. So I win this round.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

I hope you did actually laugh at a viral cat video, GIF, or photo this year. We all could really use it. If you haven’t done so yet, allow me to change that :

STATUS : FAILURE

Another one I’m glad I was wrong about, but… man, I was certain they’d get into a huge fight within 3 days of the reunion tour. From all accounts, including those of close personal friends of mine, it was g’damn glorious. You win this round, GnR.

STATUS : FAILURE

Yo, CeeLo, where you at? Can you make a “Fuck trump” song or something? Yes, you’re a terrible human but you’re a wonderful musician.

STATUS : MOSTLY FAILURE

I, personally, didn’t hear a single one. Maybe that’s cause Cosby still hasn’t even had a proper trial – which this tweet assumed would be the case – but I haven’t heard a single joke about it. I’d like to think it’s because we’ve grown beyond “male rape is funny”, but I’m far more inclined to think it’s because he still hasn’t faced trial.

STATUS : FAILURE

I’m honestly still unsure why she didn’t pick him as her running mate. He never had a chance at the presidency (please don’t debate me on this – I don’t give a shit) but he’d be a DAMN good running mate. Also, it would’ve made the misunderstood “scandal” at the DNC into a non-issue and really rallied the Dem voters. Anyway, this was the most wrong prediction I made and I was pretty sure I’d only have to walk back on ONE of the claims in this tweet.

STATUS : FAILURE

I should’ve said “at least an anouncement”, but even THAT would’ve been wrong. This was wishful thinking, but… seriously? It’s been 3 years since the last installment and 5 years since the last teaser for a new installment.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

How am I to know if you did this? Ideally, you’d forgive yourself for past transgressions of which everyone else has already forgiven you – but some transgressions should haunt you long enough for you to aim to do better, be better, and live better.

STATUS : SUCCESS

Another pretty easy one : Alex Jones still being alive means there’s never a lack of easily-explained conspiracy theories. One need look no further than the #pizzagate fiasco to see that this bullshit continues to this day.

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

It doesn’t seem like she’s been shunned by the public at large – at least not in any HUGE way that I would’ve liked – but she’s largely been, at the very least, ignored and, at most, shunned by some. She shilled for the drumpster fire as part of some weird Republican attempt at reaching “everyone who feels let down by the current administration” but LGBT folk don’t have such short-term amnesia that they’d forget who openly blocked their attempts to legally marry even just 2 years ago. Any positive mentions of Caitlyn Jenner seemed to have disappeared around that time, and any mention at all of her seems to have disappeared entirely shortly thereafter. Even the drumpster fire never spoke of her again after using her as a pawn in his shitty little game.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

Did you, though?

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

He won a fucking Emmy for it! Regardless of my, or your, personal opinion about it – the brilliant motherfucker pulled a funny little rabbit out of the hat and enough people agreed his magic was amazing. To me, Peak Patton Oswalt was his unofficial first album 222 – one of a few comedy albums I reference when I talk about “perfect performances”. Even if he never reaches that level of brilliance again, he’s still 1000 leagues above what I’ll likely ever be – even on his least-impressive albums.

STATUS : SUCCESS

A success by failure, but I have no further comment. If you’re reading this and we’ve fucked this year – take comfort in knowing it’s almost definitely not you.

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

Between The Force Awakens, Rogue One, the corollaries with the U.S. election, and Carrie Fisher’s death… there’s been PLENTY of memes. None reached the viral critical mass of, say, Pepe – but there was enough of them to qualify this prediction as at least partially successful.

STATUS : JOKE TWEET

I’m not famous enough for anything remotely close to anything happening to me being considered a “trend”, but you’re still always welcome to send me your boobs (or any boobs) via Twitter or anonymously via this site’s contact form (where you can even attach photos!).

STATUS : MOSTLY FAILURE

Sure, NASA makes discoveries pretty regularly and posts many of them to its official website. And, sometimes, the shit is phenomenal (like the 1,284 new planets the Kepler Mission discovered in May, 2016) but no one seems to care enough to post click-bait titles that misunderstand the discoveries NASA posts about. Or, maybe (to see the glass as half-full), NASA’s own PR team is doing a good enough job on explaining their discoveries in laymen’s terms that no one feels quite as compelled (either by necessity or by shame) to exaggerate them anymore.

STATUS : FAILURE

Apparently even John Travolta’s agent(s) and/or PR team agreed he shouldn’t be in the limelight this year. I’d worry about why no one has so much as mentioned him in 2016, but I truly don’t think anyone in Hollywood is more deserving of being ignored more than John Travolta. And, yes, I saw Corey Feldman’s music/dance attempts on nationally-syndicated morning TV shows.

At least Corey Feldman was in more than one great film and had roles that no one else could’ve played. Mothafucka, anyone could’ve been Vincent Vega — John was only there cause Quentin has a foot fetish and getting Uma Thurman to dance around without shoes is easier to do when you’ve got the Saturday Night Fever guy reprising his dumb dance routines. You know who else can dance AND would’ve been better in that role? Sam mothafuckin’ Rockwell. Had Travolta’s career not been saved by that role, we wouldn’t have to remember the national treasure, Forest Whitaker, being part of literally one of the worst films of all time. Meanwhile, Travolta hasn’t done a single fucking decent thing since then.

I like Quentin Tarantino, but I’ll never let him off the hook for saving that shitstain. Apparently he agrees because he likes re-using actors, but has never re-used Travolta. I rest my case.

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

Okay, you’re gonna think “no fucking way are you right about this one”. And, frankly, this should’ve just been a joke tweet prediction, but lo and behold… the #onefingerchallenge happened. In case you don’t wanna click through to that (subreddit) link, here’s an article explaining the phenom : The 1-Finger Challenge Is the Internet’s Most NSFW Yet. Essentially, it’s taking a selfie in a mirror and – using only one finger – hiding all of your actual naked bits.

That means the subjects are :
1. Panstless
2. Not showing their nudey parts (hence, you can’t tell)

So, I’m gonna call this a really weird win. Maybe the weirdest win.

STATUS : SUCCESS

You’re fucking alive and reading this, are you not? Yeah, I thought so. HASHTAGEASYWIN.

Final Score :

SUCCESS : 9
FAILURE : 10
UNDETERMINED / JUST A JOKE : 4

That said, it seems MANY of my “failure” predictions for 2015 would’ve been major successes in 2016.