Last Year’s NYE Predictions (and some updates)

Filed under : Updates

Est. Reading Time 8 minutes

Last year, on Dec 31st, I posted a series of drunken tweets predicting things that I thought would happen in 2015. I thought it might be fun, before I schedule a series of tweets to post tomorrow afternoon, to go through said tweets and see how I did. Below this list are some updates, and how to find my 2016 predictions.

STATUS : SUCCESS

I’m calling this one a success. The phrase “Netflix and Chill” first hit the collective conscience — according to Google Trends data — in May 2015. I heard people whine about its usage early on, but those whines seem to have died down and now it’s just “a thing we say”, even if does ruin the not-so-subtle intention of actually chilling with Netflix.

STATUS : MOSTLY FAILURE

There weren’t a LOT of famous deaths this year. Very few, if any, of what you’d call a “huge celebrity”. Robert Loggia? Kinda. Leonard Nimoy? I’ll allow it. Scott Weiland and Lemmy? Hardly. That said, out of the 4 of those, people didn’t really talk mad shit on any them prior to their deaths. I talked shit on Scott Weiland, and I’ll probably continue doing so. I don’t mean to sound callous, he just wasn’t terribly important to me. I liked STP’s “Core”, I thought “Purple” had one good song, and everything after that sounded like a pathetic attempt to stay relevant. Velvet Revolver, despite the lineup, was fucking terrible. I didn’t hear his last band cause… well, as I said, Scott Weiland just isn’t terribly important to me. This is now the longest period of time I’ve spent talking about him. May his family find peace and comfort.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

How the hell am I supposed to know if this was true? I can’t even remember if I had ANY New Year’s Resolutions, so if I did, this tweet was at least true for me.

STATUS : EPIC FAILURE

I did nothing of the sort. I’m sorry. I really wanted to, but… man the year goes by quick. If I don’t get it done in 2016, I’ll be very upset with myself.

STATUS : TOO NUANCED TO CALL IT

I mean, with things like the Twitter feed @_FloridaMan, this one’s kinda always true. But they didn’t have any world-famous fuck-ups this year, did they?

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

Just about every thing Donald Trump has said or done in this race has been fucking insane, but he hasn’t been dropped. Maybe in 2016, all the leading candidates will be caught on camera in a gay group butt-train orgy, while wearing Nazi uniforms. That might be fun.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

You’re sick of ’em all by NOW, though, right?

STATUS : FUCKING NAILED IT

That said, this one was WAY too easy. Of fucking course that happened. Guess what? It’ll happen once per quarter in 2016, too. And 2017. And 2018…

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

How am I supposed to know if I’ve drifted out of the finger-on-the-pulse? I probably did, even more so, cause I’m another year older.

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

I think those not-a-hoverboard-but-we’re-calling-them-hoverboards kinda count. I don’t know if they’re “perfectly normal”, but you’re not running around going “WTF IS THAT THING?” anymore. I hope.

STATUS : JOKE TWEETS

I’m a comedian. I make jokes. The aforementioned tweets were examples of what I consider a joke.

STATUS : SUCCESS

Ahh… success by failure. I still carry on this fine tradition of calling near-strangers my wife.

STATUS : SUCCESS

Another success by failure. Though, in my defense, I did write 120 g’damn stories for you people. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

STATUS : FAILURE

This was mostly a joke tweet, but wouldn’t it have been fascinating? Don’t act like you weren’t kinda looking forward to talking to your gram-grams about Vajazzling.

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

You may have forgotten that Facebook announced the “Internet.org” initiative, in an attempt to bring free internet service to areas without access to such things. It was riddled with privacy issues. There was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scandal where someone figured out how to read Facebook’s location tracking data. Then, there was the time they said “hey we can recognize you from the back of your head“. Some people might also include their “hey, let a loved one manage your Facebook when you’re dead” feature as a creepy privacy violation — but I don’t. Sincerely, I think that’s pretty cool. Even if it DOES mean my friend Alex Mandelberg constantly makes jokes about how excited he is to pretend to be me for a few days when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil. And, yes, I did actually give them that privilege using Facebook’s new feature.

All things considered, however, how do we know they didn’t do a bunch more creepy shit this year that they haven’t mentioned yet?

STATUS : FAILURE

I really thought this was going to be a source of national discussion. She’s single, people! Who is she dating? Does she like late-30s unheard-of comedians with filthy mouths and an oral fixation? Seriously… I’m asking.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

I sure hope you did this at least once. Those people need a shaming. And a few actual articles from actual dietitians.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

Kind of a failure, here, cause I can’t remember the last time anyone mentioned the royal family at any point this year. But, undetermined, because maybe Pippa’s the only reason you’re paying attention to them.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

Sure, you can’t actually get one yet. But you’ve thought about a future where you could, haven’t you? I’ll bet you have.

STATUS : FUCKING NAILED IT

Okay, sure, this was an easy one. But literally just today the motherfucker actually went to fucking criminal court for sexual assault. THAT’s a win for humanity, g’damnit. And a win for my predictions.

STATUS : MOSTLY A FAILURE

I’m glad I was wrong on this one. I mean, I’m certain at least one reviewer said the above quote almost verbatim, but I didn’t see it and it certainly wasn’t the prevailing remark amongst the populace.

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

I didn’t actually weigh myself before that tweet, so I don’t know. I did nothing to try and change that, however. Then again, it was mostly a joke tweet and I flip-flopped because it’s true either way.

STATUS : FUCKING NAILED IT

This was another “too easy” one. Of COURSE Tumblr got upset about something no one noticed, and only Tumblr gave a shit. It happens at least every 2 weeks, and probably closer to once a week if anything even remotely controversial happens in the mainstream media. I’ll use this opportunity to share one of the best articles I read this year which explains the phenomena perfectly — PETA, Ferguson, Jihad, Doctor Who, rape, and kitten pics : the Toxoplasma of online rage. It’s worth the 10-15 mins it’ll take to read, I promise.

Final Score :

SUCCESS : 9
FAILURE : 5
UNDETERMINED / JUST A JOKE : 10

I want to point out that I made one prediction back in August that I didn’t include here, but it was a partial success :

Now, for some updates and how to get my 2016 predictions

I’m sorry I’ve been away and not finishing my 365 stories, as I’d hoped. It’s a lot of work, and I was running out of stories I could tell pretty much off the top of my head. I’ve still got at least another 30-40 of them “in the chamber”, so to speak, I just haven’t gotten around to writing them. I don’t know if I’ll ever quite reach 365 stories, but I’ll bet I can get up to at least 200.

If you want to see my 2016 predictions, you can follow me on twitter : @revmitcz, or search the hashtag “#mitczpredicts2016” (which won’t work until after December 31st, 2015).