Story Archives

All stories (and updates) written since March 1, 2015.

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An Origin Story, of sorts (Part 2)
2015
MAR
16

An Origin Story, of sorts (Part 2)

Filed Under : Childhood Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
(If you didn't read Part 1, you're gonna be lost) After the weird shove-match-punch experience, it was still relatively light out and I figured Alan and The Dicks wouldn't be going to the clubhouse so quickly. I grabbed my bike and rode over there, just to see if maybe there was anything in there I could use to fuck them over. When I walked up to the apartment, I could ...
An Origin Story, of sorts (Part 1)
2015
MAR
15

An Origin Story, of sorts (Part 1)

Filed Under : Childhood Stories, Serial Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
I told this story to some friends on my birthday a few years back, and they still reference it as my "origin story". They seem to think this is how I became who I am today. While I don't think that's necessarily true, I s'pose it has some merit. As our story begins, this is basically what I looked like (about 8 months before this story takes place)...
Oh, Sorry. Different Mitch.
2015
MAR
14

Oh, Sorry. Different Mitch.

Filed Under : Celebrity Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 2 minutes
I started doing comedy in 2002. I won't bore you with the details right now , but my first few shows were at the Irvine Improv. Having taken their comedy classes, the two major perks were : you could get booked for 7-10 mins on one of their amateur nights once a month (even though they had those every week - you had to move up in rank to ...
I was (kinda, sorta) Threatened With A Gun At Circle K
2015
MAR
13

I was (kinda, sorta) Threatened With A Gun At Circle K

Filed Under : Scary Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
I've told this story before, on an old bonus episode of Straight Riffin, but it was with colorful commentary from my co-host and our guest that evening. So, perhaps I can tell a shorter version of the story now. For a brief time in early 2001, I worked at a Circle K doing the graveyard shit. It looked quite a lot like this (note the glass door in ...
I Saw Nirvana Live
2015
MAR
12

I Saw Nirvana Live

Filed Under : General Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 2 minutes
Yes, I'm that old. Yes, it was fucking unreal. Yes, it was probably not unlike how my parents would've felt seeing The Beatles in their prime. Since the "definitive rock doc" of Kurt Cobain will be released soon, this feels timely. I was about to turn 15. I was a freshman in high school. I had recently made friends with a man I'll refer to throughout these stories ...
I (accidentally) Went to Rehab
2015
MAR
11

I (accidentally) Went to Rehab

Filed Under : Drug Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
When I was in high school, I lived with my mother, her husband, and his daughter Brittany. Fuck using a pseudonym cause this is the only person in the world whose death I actively hope for. She was the worst human I've ever personally known, and I almost wish there was a hell just to know she'll be going there. Brittany was is a complete trainwreck of a person. The day ...
Quit While You’re Ahead, Kid
2015
MAR
10

Quit While You’re Ahead, Kid

Filed Under : Childhood Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
It was the summer between 7th and 8th grade, I was friends with this lunatic of a person - Ed. He'll feature in quite a few stories I'll tell, but this one is short enough to tell in one piece. One day, Ed and I were dropped off by his mom near a series of stripmalls in Phoenix , for reasons I don't recall. There was a video store nearby, and Ed ...
How to Piss Off a Girl’s Father
2015
MAR
9

How to Piss Off a Girl’s Father

Filed Under : Dating Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
Back in high school, when I was maybe 16-17 years old, I had this friend Jake who was a bit of a smarmy prick, but he had a knack for introducing me to someone or something new. Through him, I saw Clerks and Mallrats. I first heard LoveLine (with Adam Carolla & Dr Drew). In a roundabout way, he's also why I know how to make websites (which I
How I Met Bouschka
2015
MAR
8

How I Met Bouschka

Filed Under : Happy Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 3 minutes
When I moved to California in October of 2000, I was in a weird place. I had just come back from a year of living in Seattle with complete strangers who turned out to be somewhat crazy, I was unemployed, unsure of what to do musically (if at all), young, single, and... listless. All I knew was that I was living with friends in a beautiful home in Orange County and ...
The Worst Job I Ever Had
2015
MAR
7

The Worst Job I Ever Had

Filed Under : Funny Stories  |  Est. Reading Time : 4 minutes
In the summer of '98, I was desperately in need of work. Having left a shitty newspaper gig where I thought I'd be a graphic designer, then a brief telemarketing stint, I was fucked and broke. My sister suggested a temp agency, since "you're so good with computers, they'll find you all kinds of work!". After the interview and paperwork, I was all set. It sounded kind of exciting : get in, get the job ...
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